This is what winery marketing hyperbole is beginning to sound like…
On gently sloping hillsides, dusted with early morning fog and tinged with effervescent dew, rest a handful of artisans who enjoy nothing more than to caress and serenade the world’s most exclusive grape vines. Surrounded by a blast of autumnal colors and verdant stripes of pasture, these vines require supreme attention to yield their elusive nectar. But before this sybaritic elixir can be created by our Nobel Prize-winning winemaker, the grapes themselves must first be carried unblemished to the winery on the backs of tiny peasant women born and raised in an extinct province of Burkina Faso, women who were only brought to the United States in 1963 on an immigration technicality. There is no finer workforce in the world.
Once the precious cargo has reached the winery doors, the grapes are gently crushed with platinum, an inert metal, before being sluiced in a very gentle way into a 27-tier, gravity-fed, ermine-lined system of golden tubes. These tubes lead to the diamond-encrusted, 120% French Oak barrels hand-toasted by none other than the former President of France and renowned cooper, Francois Mitterand, shortly before his death in 1996. This “late” period of Mitterand’s work is considered his finest.
After no less than 47 years in these barrels, the wine is nearly complete. A final blessing is spoken over every barrel prior to bottling, rendering the wine both kosher and suitable for Catholic church services in every state except New York. The bottles are taken from the incomparable Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico, where geological pressure formed them naturally over the course of 800 million years and where they grew in such conditions as to create deep punts that extend from the base of each bottle to just 5 millimeters below the neck. Labels are printed using 50% post-consumer waste and 50% recycled illuminated manuscripts. The cork used to seal each bottle comes from the tomb of Cleopatra, who was mummified inside a cork sarcophagus and who was buried with enough beeswax to enclose just 15,000 cases of our wine. Should you so desire, Jeroboams and Nebuchadnezzars are available for an additional shipping fee, packaging fee, handling fee, insurance fee, and a “fee” fee that is actually a fee for incurring so many lesser fees.
Once this wine touches your lips, hits your tongue, makes its way past your uvula and into your stomach, you will experience a sensual and aesthetic pleasure rivaled only by those brave souls who have complete a pilgrimage to Cythera, or who have tried our late-harvest Riesling. Our “second-pressing” wine is actually made from the excrement of those lucky tasters who drink our estate-bottled reserve wine. Please sign up for our mailing list and be sure to join our wine club, which features a new wage garnishment clause that our top customers will appreciate as a way to insult those lesser customers who cannot afford to remain in the club after the first shipment.